I'm writing this post having demolished an unusual amount of food today, I've had my main meals, I've snacked, I swapped my roast veggies lunch for a sandwich and crisps and I know exactly the reason why; I'm stressed.

I'm sure being stressed is a feeling that we can all relate to in some way, shape or form but we might not know exactly what the science is behind stress and why it can make us feel the way it does. Over the years I've become very familiar with the physical symptoms of stress for me, I start to feel 'run-down' which is very similar to the feeling you get a day or two before you're hit with a bad cold. My skin flares up and one or two angry zits are definitely not uncommon, I suffer with occasional mouth ulcers and just generally looking worn out and tired constantly, despite getting maybe 7/8 hours sleep each night.

One of the most prominent symptoms of stress for me personally though is a change in my appetite. I can eat anything and everything when I feel stressed or anxious for a long period of time and that's what I wanted to discuss in today's post.

Why does stress affect our appetite?

You might be familiar with the term 'flight or fight' - that's the mode our bodies go into when we're stressed. Our brain's take the wheel when we're in this mode and it decides what we need to do next in order to survive - imagine back in the day our ancestors way back when would be hunting for their dinner and a hyena or big cat would appear. Our brains send a message to our adrenal glands to pump out adrenalin which is intended to kick our butts into gear.

This whole process that our bodies do for us can put our appetite on hold - and rightly so - if you're faced by a lion then using up energy on normal bodily functions such as digestion go on hold and energy is used elsewhere to either fight the threat or run.

Now, when we continue to be stressed and it's not just a one-off situation - or our bodies at least think we are stressed - then something slightly different happens. The same adrenal glands as before now pump out a hormone called cortisol and cortisol increases our appetite and the motivation to eat.

It's this unfortunate connection between stress & our appetites which can lead to lifestyle diseases such as diabetes - as increased cortisol levels also spur on an increase in our insulin production & glucose which ultimately can raise our blood sugar levels.

Why do we rarely crave a salad or plate of veggies when we're stressed?

I know there might be some exceptions to this rule BUT I for one definitely don't want to reach for particularly healthy foods when I've been feeling stressed for a while. For me, I want bread, chocolate and crisps. Living the dream!

It's good old cortisol again that's to blame for the cravings some of us experience when we're stressed. High sugar, fatty foods give our bodies energy and that's exactly what it thinks we need when we're in 'fight or flight' mode so that's the signals it sends to our brain.

So how can we tackle overeating when we're stressed?

The best thing to do would be to make sure our stress levels never get so high that we put our bodies into 'fight or flight' mode but that is so much easier than done and sometimes life throws things at us that we can't see coming.

Try to stay mindful of what triggers your stress and be wary of the signs your body may be giving you ahead of time, if you're starting to feel run-down, burnt out or on edge then begin to take some extra measures in self-care and looking after yourself.

 Keeping some healthier (notice I didn't say healthy) snacks on hand when you're going through a particularly rough time can be a good idea. For example, today I should have thought about the way i was feeling and made myself a lunch that was maybe a little more appealing like a nice bowl of pasta or a homemade sandwich or wrap.  I brought my bowl of leftover veggies to work with the best intentions! Some chocolate rice cakes, trail mix or apple slices & peanut butter are all comforting treats that will hopefully satisfy your cravings.

Above all, don't be hard on yourself. You're already feeling stressed so don't add to that by worrying too much about what you're eating in the short term, if your feelings of stress persist and your eating habits change more long-term then always speak to your GP or a specialist.

Managing a Bad Mental Health Day (or two!)

As I write this post I'm not sure if I'm frustrated, downtrodden, disappointed, determined or what. I think I'm probably actually a concoction of all of those things because for the first time in quite a while I feel like I'm suffering from a 'bad patch' aka my anxiety is being a bugger at the moment and I'm having a little internal battle to stop it from taking back control.

This is the ultimate test for me really, my counselling journey came to an end a few months ago now and I've been on this ride all alone (without my counsellor to turn to I mean, my partner, friends and fam have been incredible) and I've been chugging along quite nicely up until now.

I have zero idea what triggered this anxiety attack. I actually think it might have been the amount of alcohol I consumed at a Halloween party, I don't drink very often now and although I was a nice kind of drunk I didn't consider the effects alchohol could have had on my mental health. I felt drained the next day and by the time I'd driven the 3 hours back down South I was physically and mentally exhausted. Little things were irritating me - a sure sign of anxiety for me - and I ended up devastatingly annoyed and upset at my boyfriend for starting to watch a movie without me whilst I was away that I wanted to watch together. I know. Tell me about it.

I felt really sensitive to comments and I took everything personally and to heart - something I'd not done for a while. The good thing was I now recognised those triggers and am currently doing my best to manage my feelings. I thought I'd share with you some things that are helping me right now.

Acknowledging How You Feel

This is important. My anxiety is hard to explain and hard to justify, I can rarely put my finger on exactly what triggered it so I just have to do my best to accept that and acknowledge that the brain works in mysterious ways (especially when it's tired and in my case from the weekend - hungover).

Don't try to argue or fight the way you feel. The sooner you accept it for what it is the sooner you can put your techniques and tools in place to move on through it so you can carry on with living and loving life!

Try To Rationalise

'Wow Lauren, try to rationalise when I have severe anxiety, good one!' Trust me, I knoooow. It's hard and it's especially hard when you're in the midst of the 'end of the world' according to your anxiety and making sense of anything and rationalising can seem impossible but it's 100% worth a good shot.

Ask yourself whether the thoughts you're having are based on fact or feeling. 9/10 these will be 'feelings'. If you were to ask me on a bad anxiety day you'd think I was Mystic Meg by the amount of made-up thoughts and feelings I'm 'sure' of. I'm actually not sure about any of them because they're all just my feelings, they're not facts.

Trust Yourself

For me, tackling my anxiety pretty much all boils down to the same thing; trusting myself. Trusting that I'm a good person, a good partner, strong, capable etc. I've been through some tough times and I handled them really, really well, so why am I so worried about possibly facing another tough time that hasn't actually happened and may never happen?! Who knows. 'Tis the nature of the beast I think and it has a good way of making you doubt yourself.

Don't Give Up Your Healthy Routine

This is a hard one for me. As soon as my anxiety hits I want to stay in bed all day, eat crap and watch Netflix. It's my happy place and it's comforting, that's fair enough but I also know it's not going to make me feel any better in a hurry.

Stick to your healthy diet, don't cancel that gym class, go to that bar with your friends if you can, in the long run it will help. I find that for me, the guilt of letting myself go just because I'm having a bad mental health day contributes to the way I'm feeling, it fuels the fire! I don't want to give it that power so even if I'm not 100% feeling it I will drag myself to that gym class - give me all that seratonin!


Look at anxiety for what it is, it's a mental health condition (if you will) which does a good job at trying to make us worry about every possible eventuality so it can 'prepare' us for potential trauma or threats. It's not a 'sixth sense' - something I have to tell myself constantly because I'm terrible at being convinced my anxiety is my 'gut feeling' so it must be right! It's not.

The best thing I can do for myself is repeatedly tell myself I've been here before, I might be here again but I made it through before and I'll make it through again. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for so just remember that the next time you're faced with a bad mental health day, week, month or even year. It will pass.

The Ordinary Skincare: Is It Worth The Hype?

I posted on my Instagram a few weeks ago that I'd treated myself to a few products from The Ordinary range and said that I'd give you a review once I'd given them a go properly so here we are!

I've never been great at skincare or looking after my skin (despite having really awful breakouts during my teenage years so I know I'm a bit silly) but over the last couple of years I've really begun to take some care over my skin and invest in some great products to give it a helping hand.

The first great thing about The Ordinary products is just how affordable they are, they're available on the Boots UK website and when you compare them to some other brands in the same area they just come out tops really on great reviews vs cost and affordability. 

I have started out my collection with three products which I'll go through below in more detail but I had a very small checklist of things I wanted these products to tackle, they were pore-minimising, smoothing, evening out skin tone, keeping my skin blemish-free and reducing any hyper pigmentation. I spent a lot of time looking at reviews and descriptions of each product, as you'll see they're named after their solutions so it's really important to see what will work for you.

Their website is super informative though and it helped me massively to find a small collection of products which would work for me and my skin. Below is what I opted for, please keep in mind I have quite blemish-prone, combination skin. 

Ascorbyl Glucoside Solution 12%, £8.90

I knew when I was looking through all The Ordinary products that I wanted a Vitamin-C product. I have quite dull skin and it could sometimes make me look really washed-out and even poorly as it really lacked any brightness or glow! 

This product is a brightening serum with an antioxidant to reduce signs of ageing and even out skin tone  - bingo! Ascorbyl Glucoside is classed as one of the best Vitamin C derivatives and this is a solution which is water-based so easily applied and doesn't feel harsh at all on my skin.

Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1%, £5.00

This product is a dream come true for oily skin. It targets breakouts and minimises pores by regulating the amount of sebum (oil) that your skin produces. Its' two main ingredients Niacinamide and Zinc are two of the best blemish-battling ingredients out there so for me it ticked a lot of boxes!

I've found this solution slightly sticky initially but this soon wears off and I can really feel the smoothing effects, my skin doesn't feel at all oily when I use it but it definitely doesn't dry my skin out by any means either, so winner winner!

Alpha Arbutin 2% + HA, £7.00

The final product I opted for is one that targets hyper-pigmentation. If you're not sure what that is, hyper-pigmentation can be any dark patches or spots on your skin, for example they're quite common on the upper lip (which can sometimes give the awful illusion of a moustache) but can show up anywhere. This product has a high potentcy of Alpha Arbutin which tackles these tricky spots to reveal more even, younger-looking skin!

I've 100% noticed a difference since using a combination of the above in my daily routine, my skin is so much brighter and I've gone many days without wearing make-up now due to how much more calm and even my skin-tone is looking. My dark spots aren't as noticeable at all and my skin just has a much healthier look and glow about it. 

Make sure you use the brand's handy regime tool to work out which products you can and can't miss, when to apply them and what they're good for!

Visiting Ilfracombe, Devon

So this post is little (read: three months, oops) overdue but it was such a beautiful break away I have been meaning to write this post for a while now so I can share some of our recommendations and tips with you incase you're heading down that way any time soon.

We booked our trip to Hele Bay, Ilfracombe after looking for somewhere to get away for New Years - because neither of us are huge NYE fans and we really just wanted to shut ourselves away somewhere for a few days, eat lots of nice food and go on nice walks. Devon was our first choice as it's around three hours drive from where we live (and a nice scenic drive at that, very little motorway driving involved) and we stayed at a Hoseason's location; Beach Cove Coastal Retreat.

Beach Cove Coastal Retreat consists of a small number of one-bedroom (so perfect for couples) beach-hut style accommodations which are all located right on the beach front. You can see them in their pretty pastel colours all along the wall in the picture below.

We arrived at night so had no idea just how close we were to the seafront. Unfortunately, the cabin we had been booked into seemed to be overrun by cluster flies (don't Google if you don't like creepy crawlies) which apparently were lured in by the abnormally mild winter we'd had here and also they love the water so there wasn't much they could do in terms of keeping them away. The staff at Beach Cove were super helpful though and came in and got rid of as many flies as they could but as soon as one disappeared another three buzzed in from somewhere else. 

Luckily, we ended up being relocated to another property on the site which didn't have any flies whatsoever so we were able to finally settle in for the night. Waking up the next morning was incredible, we'd not seen the view but we could hear the crashing waves as we slept so we knew we were close. I enjoyed my favourite breakfast of avocado toast and a cuppa whilst enjoying all the dog walkers taking their fluffs for a stroll along the sand early in the morning. 

It's a very quite part of Devon, with only a handful of attractions in the area (one being Exmoor Zoo which we loved and would 100% recommend if you're in the area) so if you like a lot to do this might not be the place for you. We decided to hike up the large hill next to the retreat into the small fishing town of Ilfracombe which was a stunning cliff top walk with amazing views over the retreat where we stayed. At that time of year my fitness levels are at their lowest and I did struggle a little (it was mortifying, there were elderly people walking their dogs who were overtaking me...) with the steeper parts of the hill but it was well worth it for the view at the top over the town/bay.

We ended up eating in Ilfracombe on New Years Eve at a restaurant that I'd booked way back in August (as it was tiny and I imagined it would get booked up so quickly). I was right, it was full from 7pm and that's because the food was insanely good. Seventy One is a family run restaurant and hands down the three courses I had there were probably three of the best I've ever had anywhere. If you visit Ilfracombe then you simply must check it out for dinner.

The bay is a great area to walk around too, we didn't know before we visited but it's actually where the artist Damien Hurst is from and there's a huge statue he commissioned which is located on the fishing pier, probably not the sort of thing you'd imagine in a quiet Devon town but definitely worth a look at. He also has a restaurant on the seafront too I believe so if you're a fan that's worth checking out. As we were out of season a lot of the attractions such as the aquarium and a lot of the shops were all shut for the winter but I can imagine in the peak of summer it's a lovely place to visit.

On our way home we passed Stonehenge so spent our New Years Day there which was interesting. It was busy even on New Years Day and there were a lot of tourists so I think it's safe to say whenever you visit expect it to be crowded. There's a bus which runs up to the site itself but we chose to walk up to the stones which is well sign-posted from the visitor centre.

I hope you've enjoyed this post about our visit to Devon - if you have any questions then feel free to comment below and let me know if you're planning to visit anytime soon too!

Believing That Good Is Good Enough

I wrote a blog post not so long ago now about my counselling journey so far (it's here if you'd like to read it) and wanted to share one of my most recent experiences at a session regarding thinking my best isn't good enough.

This feeling stemmed from an experience last year which I'm still umming and aahing about writing about on here but to summarise; it wasn't pleasant, it certainly left me with less self-esteem than I had before and it really did make me question whether my 'good' was actually good enough. 

I've held onto this feeling since last September time and it's made a lot of things difficult for me; I've not wanted to plan anything, for anybody, ever again. I worry that if I do whatever I've planned won't live up to their expectations. It's also made me question if I'm a 'good enough' girlfriend or 'good enough' daughter. It's been a fun six months, not. 

I raised this with my therapist a few weeks back and within moments she had worked back through my life and helped me realise, in addition to the trigger from last year, what events in my childhood might relate to that feeling of always needing to be perfect where just 'okay' or 'mediocre' doesn't cut it for me. Everything has to be perfect; perfectly timed, perfectly placed; perfectly presented. Don't get me wrong, 9/10 it isn't but that's when I struggle. I struggle to accept anything besides the best and I really beat myself up over it sometimes and this was a part of me that I really wanted to alter.

Ultimately, I wanted to care less what people thought, I wanted to be totally content with knowing I did my best and that I can't control people's feelings or thoughts, you can't please all the people all of the time and I don't want to be my own worst enemy or critic, basically. 

The event last year has made overcoming this hurdle a little more difficult than it may have been otherwise, I could have easily said 'well, what's the worst that could happen if they think it's not good enough?' but for me, the worst thing that could have happened last year did happen so that's not really a reassuring question to ask myself right now. 

What is helping though is getting back on the horse so to speak. I was fearful of having to plan anything again after last year and I really didn't ever want to be in charge of someone else's enjoyment or happiness due to the pressure that came with it. This became tricky to avoid when my boss asked me to plan our next evening social event at work, I couldn't exactly say 'nah, don't fancy it, sorry'. I had to come through. I started to feel some of the same feelings that the event last year had given me and I worked really hard to overcome any anxiety or panic over whether my colleagues will enjoy what I'd organised or not. I started by accepting the fact that these people are my professional colleagues and they would be grateful for a nice meal and a pint in the pub after work so anything in addition to that would be great.

I ended up planning a murder mystery game which we all played over dinner at one of the pubs in town, everyone had a laugh and I received the kindest feedback from people including senior management after the event. That was my first step towards realising that my good is good enough, the more positive affirmations I have of that the more I will gain confidence in myself again.

When it comes down to it, the problem lies in the thought itself really; my best/good isn't good enough. Good enough for...who? Them? Whose standards/expecations am I working towards exactly? That's when I realised that all that mattered was whether my best/good was good enough for me. I had to accept that no, I can't please everybody but a lot of the time they will be pleased because I am learning not everyone's expecations of me are anywhere near as high as the expectations I place on myself so as long as I am happy with what I've done/created/achieved then to heck what other people think!

How I Stay Positive

Staying positive is hard, really hard, especially when it feels like life is throwing the worst kinds of curveballs at you and it takes everything you have to keep calm and carry on. One of my goals for 2019 though was to think positively and for the most-part I have been doing okay at it! 

I try not to compare myself to others

I say try because it's something I actually find really difficult sometimes. Having anxiety makes me doubt things - a lot - and one of those things is usually myself, that means if I have a bad day when I think I'm not good enough I look around me and go 'oh, well she's good enough, she's got her shit together' etc. What I have to constantly remind myself is that I don't know that person's story either, they might look like they have it together on the outside (cos I know that's how I look the majority of the time, even when I don't) but they're most likely struggling with things too. I just tell myself to keep doing me because that's all I'm in control of. 

Be kind to myself

Before I began attending counselling for my anxiety I used to 'manage' it myself, a lot of the time that was me putting myself down for feeling and acting the way I did. I'd tell myself I was being 'stupid' and I'd be really overly apologetic for the way I was feeling. Luckily, counselling really helped me to be kinder to myself. I now tell myself that I'm doing my best and that I am making effort and trying and I don't let anyone tell me any differently. 

Better myself physically, mentally and spiritually
Since beginning to attend fitness classes in January I've really noticed the positive effect this has had on my mental health as well as the effect it has physically. The old 'exercise = endorphins' is true and it really works. I feel great after a workout like I've accomplished something and noticing the physical effects on my body helps massively with my self-esteem and confidence. Practising mindfulness and incorporating meditation and yoga into my routine when possible has also helped to get a hold of my thoughts and feel more in control.

Taking care of myself before others
My friends, family and boyfriend are by far the most important people in my life and nine times out of ten I will always put theirs needs before mine, there is that one occasion though when I'm unable to do that and that's because in the long run it would be detrimental to my own health. Don't get me wrong, these occasions are few and far between but I find that being honest is the best way to handle these situations. If my boyfriend wants to go somewhere or do something and I'm not feeling it I've learnt to just be honest and say I'd rather chill out by myself and have some me-time instead of just saying yes to please him.

I'm learning to let go of things I can't control 
If you have generalised anxiety then you'll know that not being in control is scary, something that's contributed to keeping a positive attitude is to really try to understand and accept that I can't control everyone or everything. There is so much I can't control but those are always the things I worry about the most, what I'm trying to do is to accept that i can only control one person: myself. I can't control other people's actions but I can control how I handle them.

How are you living a more positive life? I'd love to know your tips and tricks to keep positive, share them below in the comments :)

How To Start A Healthy Routine

It didn't really dawn on me that my routine was out of whack until I'd lived with my boyfriend for around six months. Before then, I'd always lived with my parents (with the exception of an 8-month stint in a 1 bedroom flat a few years ago when I thought I could afford to live alone - spoiler, I couldn't.)

Before we moved in together my boyfriend lived just over an hour from me so the location we moved to was half-way between us and a completely new town to both of us. I'd visited once before we moved here and it definitely took a while for me to realise that I wasn't adjusting as easily as I'd hoped and that's not because I don't love living where we do or that I don't enjoy living with my boyfriend because I really do, I think it was just because it turned my life upside down.

Routine helps with feeling settled when you might otherwise feel a little out of your comfort zone and it can really be a great tool for managing your mental health. I want to share what I've done to carve out a new routine for myself and also what I'd like to do over the coming months myself - hopefully some of this helps.

5. HEALTHY EATING & DRINKING
It's a bit of a no-brainer that to start a new healthy routine you'd need to eat healthier and cut down on alcohol which is proven to have a very negative effect on mental health. Now, I am not a fruit or veg girl, it's terrible I know but I struggle to get my 5-a-day in (heck, I struggle with 5-a-week) but that doesn't mean you can't still eat well. I've cut out junk food and most processed foods and I stick very loosely to a Slimming World plan to give my diet some structure; in all honesty we love so many SW recipes and snacks so it's not difficult. Following a healthy living plan will become part of your daily routine and you'll start to form new eating habits in no time.

4. WORKOUT REGULARLY
Making exercise a part of your routine will take feeling good about yourself to a new level. As I was completely new to the area we moved to I was keen to join a new gym so that I'd be able to get into a new fitness routine...the only problem is I hate the gym and really didn't enjoy it. I stopped going and got into a bit of a rut about working out, I was in desperate need of finding some form of exercise that I enjoyed. Luckily I stumbled across an amazing fitness instructor who runs 8 different classes a week in a school hall only 5 minutes from our house - it couldn't have worked out better.

I now do Barre, Pound, Fight, Zumba, Clubbercise and a Full Body Workout class each and every week. It's probably my favourite part of my new routine as through these classes I've met some wonderful women and it's really made our new area start to feel like home. It also makes me appreciate the 3x days I get off from classes each week!

3. START A NEW HABIT
One way to make your routine interesting it to start doing something completely new and different. When your surroundings and circumstances change it can feel like the easiest thing to do is to revert back to your old routine to make everything feel somewhat normal again but it's probably the best opportunity to take up a new hobby. I started practicing yoga and blogging again and have tried to make both of these activities part of my routine. Why not start reading more or incorporating a daily walk into your routine?

2. TRY AND STICK TO A BEDTIME
I know bedtime sounds like it's for 5-year-old's but I think it's a really important part of a daily routine and definitely one that I've not nailed myself yet and still struggle with. Sleep is crazy important for mental health, it's the one time a day we can give our brains and bodies a rest and ensuring we get enough sleep is really important. I always try and turn off the telly each evening at 10pm, my boyfriend will usually watch something on his iPad for a further 20-25 minutes whilst I get ready for bed and then I'm in bed by 10:30pm at the latest. The problem is we then sit in bed and watch silly YouTube videos for a while or we'll play with the cat or end up chatting about something or other. It can be 11:30pm or even midnight before we go to sleep and then we're both up again at 6:30/7am for work. I'm slowly starting to realise I'm just not getting enough hours.

To correct this, I'm going to start switching off from 10pm onwards so that means limiting the time on my phone and not putting the television on in the bedroom before we go to sleep. I also want to start reading more and winding down before bed. One of our worst habits is my boyfriend going on Reddit or me going on social media then going to bed and going 'oh my god did you hear this story about that guy that did this? Look at this video! Look at this gif!' etc.

1. HAVE A MORNING ROUTINE MAPPED OUT
This goes hand-in-hand with the previous tip and because I haven't got the night routine figured out I haven't really got my morning one sorted yet but that doesn't mean I don't have good intentions set out.

If you've had a good night's sleep it's very likely that getting up earlier will be easier, that's just science (maybe?). I was actually doing really well in the new year and I'd get up half an hour earlier,  do ten minutes of yoga whilst the cat ate her breakfast, then I'd sort my breakfast, lunch and snacks out for work before getting ready. This meant I wasn't rushing round the house like a mad woman, I'd had a morning stretch and I was never late for work and that's all down to getting up just half an hour earlier.

If you suss out your evening/night routine and get enough sleep, setting your alarm for half an hour earlier the next day will only have a positive affect on your day and that's what I'm intending to try out this week!

I Blogged My Anxiety Attack

Right now as I'm typing this post my heart is racing. I can feel myself heading into fight or flight mode and I'm aware of that because all I want to do right now is be somewhere safe. Whether that's under my duvet or having a hug from my mum, my brain is starting to send signals to my body saying 'nope, nice try pal, I'm not having any of that, I'm out'.

It started with worrying about money. Today is payday and I am in a sticky situation with my finances right now so I managed to work myself up in a frenzy this morning which lead to me messaging my boyfriend, mum and best friend about it. I also ended up on Google, looking at forums and getting myself into a right tiz and before I knew it I couldn't stop the barrage of negative, snowballing thoughts which flooded my head.

It's hard to explain as even though you might struggle with anxiety yourself, all anxieties are different. My anxiety is different to yours and yours is different to the next person's and so on, so I will try and explain what an anxiety attack is like for me.

WHAT ATTACKS FEEL LIKE FOR ME

An attack for me is like watching a really crappy straight-to-DVD movie; but it's about my future. I'll be sat at work, minding my own business and then I'll think of payday and my money situation, before you know it I've watched the next 5 years of my life play out in my mind. I envisage my friends being so ashamed of me that they slowly phase me out, I imagine my parents feeling disappointed that they have to support a daughter in her late 20s and I picture my boyfriend's face as realization dawns on him that there's other women out there who don't have these problems.

The hard part is being strict with myself and telling myself that these are simply thoughts that entered my head and they are not factual things that have actually happened but that' easier said than done. I feel the panic course through my body when I have thoughts like that and it's a real effort to stay grounded, stay in my seat and to let it pass over. The comfort lies in the many times I've suffered attacks before and have come out okay the other side and by 'okay' I mean able to rationalise and think more logically.

Today I also tried writing down my feelings. I physically put pen to paper and wrote down how I felt in that moment. I then did a conference call, went to the loo and came back to the piece of paper and re-read it. It made me sad to think that I'd genuinely thought that negatively, even just for 2 or 3 minutes and in a way, that's good. I didn't come back, read the paper and agree. I'll never invalidate my own thoughts because part of my management of my anxiety is to stop using the words 'stupid' or 'ridiculous' to describe my thoughts or feelings because that creates more of a conflict against the anxious part of my brain which is trying to convince me of the opposite. I just try to acknowledge them as 'anxious thoughts' and that's where I leave it. When you're fighting anxiety the last thing you want to do is feed it by putting yourself down by throwing around words like 'stupid.'

THE AFTERMATH

Now that an hour or so has passed I'm starting to see the haze clear a little (because that's also what an attack is like for me, it's like a foggy day where you can't really make sense of anything and are just stumbling around in the dark for a bit looking for something to hold onto). I can begin to see things for what they really are; including myself. I begin to give myself more credit and respect again without just putting myself down and I begin to try and see all of the positive attributes I hold as a person and I try really hard to let go of the things I'd been telling myself an hour before in the middle of the attack.

I also feel proud that I didn't act on my attack. There have been days where I've needed to leave work or call my boyfriend and unleash nonsense down the phone at him to console myself but I am proud that today I dealt with it - and survived. On top of the anxiety I don't have the added embarrassment of having to drop everything and go home and nor do I have to enter into a difficult conversation with my boyfriend or friends about it which can sometimes drag the attack out and ultimately makes me suffer more before I finally get over it.

Thinking and living more positively was pretty much my only goal for this year and I think even on the days like today when things get so hard I feel at breaking point it's important to acknowledge even the smallest of triumphs.

A New Start

For so long I've been trying to think of reader-friendly blog posts to write; whether they be about my hair care routine, somewhere we visited at the weekend or home decor tips I just didn't feel like my heart was into it. It seemed forced and false when what is really filling up my head each day are much more mundane matters (not that I don't love a hair care flat-lay, so no disrespect intended).

I want to write a post and not have to worry about the word count or taking the perfect picture for a blog header because I want to start writing posts for me. I want to tell stories from my life and I want to write to share my experience of dealing with anxiety or trying to stick to my Slimming World diet. There are so many days where I feel like writing about those things but worry they won't be interesting to read...then I ask myself well, who cares? This blog has my name on it and it's my small space on the internet so I need to use it for my benefit; as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings - whatever they may be!

Don't get me wrong, I will 100% be sharing my hair care routine at some point because it's only taken me 20+ years to find one that actually works for me but I also want to share other snippets of my life that aren't as picture perfect.

So that's what this post is all about, it's me refreshing and resetting the purpose of this blog and I am super excited for what's to come!

Adopting A Cat

I'm 100% a self-confessed cat person and have been lucky enough to have them as pets since I was little. Until August of this year I lived at home with my parents and two years ago we adopted a gorgeous ginger tom-cat from Battersea Cats & Dogs Home, before Red we had Scampi who was the kitten from a family member's cat so Red was the first cat we'd ever rehomed/adopted.

ADOPTING WHEN YOU RENT

I knew as soon as my boyfriend and I had our own house that I wanted to give a furry friend a new home, it was just a case of whether we could or not as we were renting. My boyfriend has always been a dog person but with both of us working full time it just wasn't fair to have a pet who needed a lot of attention all of the time, whereas we knew a cat would be happy chilling in the day whilst we're out at work. 

I wasn't really sure when the right time to reach out to our letting agents would be - I didn't want them to think that we weren't serious tenants by asking for a pet only a few months into our tenancy but then i saw the Cats Protection 'Purrfect Landlords' campaign and it gave me the boost and confidence I needed to ask the question.

The campaign is fantastic - it's all about asking landlords to consider their tenants to allow cats, especially with more and more people renting properties and bearing in mind the fact a pet can really make a house feel like a home it's a really awesome campaign with lots of tips and advice for both landlords and tenants (both private and social housing) looking to rehome.

VISITING A SHELTER

Luckily, our landlord was very quick to reply and say yes to us having a cat and we immediately started looking to find the perfect third member of our little family. We're lucky to both work just down the road from a Cats Protection shelter and that was our first point of call, we'd had a browse on the website and decided to just head down there and see who was around. Constantly refreshing the website I noticed a new name and face on there I'd not seen the last few times I'd looked - a gorgeous tabby cat called NooNoo (lol). I immediately forwarded the link to my boyfriend and he told me to go see her straight away! I'd booked a half day off work already and as soon as I'd finished I drove down to the CP shelter in Newbury and paid NooNoo a visit.

Saying I fell in love was an understatement, I spent about 15 minutes in her company and she was already asleep on my lap and I knew she was the one for us. I reserved her and agreed with the amazing team that work at the shelter to visit again the next day with my BF in tow.

It took him all of 5 minutes to become smitten with her and it was quickly decided that she was the one for us and we were the one for her.

THE ADOPTION PROCESS

At places like Cat's Protection they do so much to prepare the kitties for their new homes. They're checked out by vets as soon as they're brought in and have any treatments done that they need - our girl had almost all of her teeth removed as she'd lived as a stray for a long time before she ended up at CP Newbury but they have all the relevant tests done and get signed off as healthy before they're rehomed.

You also get 4 weeks free pet insurance and you get to take home any toys or blankets that they had with them. You're provided information on the litter they like, the food they eat and any personality traits they might have (some don't like other cats or small children for example). One thing I was sure of though is that all the cats in the care of these lovely people are well looked after.

Adopting NooNoo - now named Lady Nermal aka Nellie - was one of the best choices we've made as a couple and is definitely going to make for an exciting Christmas. She's already settled in after only 5 days with us and has so much love to give, loving cardboard boxes and cuddling up on the sofa and the end of the bed. Make sure to give her a follow on Instagram @ladynermal to see what she gets up to!

If you'd like me to share more tips on rehoming a cat, especially in rented accommodation then let me know!

A LESSON IN SELF-LOVE

I'm my own worst enemy 99.9% of the time, if not 100% of the time. I think I've learnt more about myself and changed in more ways during the course of 2016 than I have any other year.

Now let me stop being so vague and mysterious, what I'm talking about is learning to love yourself. We all want to stop judging ourselves when we look in the mirror and to not care about things we can't change but hello, those things make us the perfectly deranged, crazy, wonderful people that we are and it's not about eradicating those qualities but about learning to have full control over them.

2015 : MY BEST BITS (WITH A TWIST)

Well, I'm going to get all cliche up in here but blimey this year has gone quick hasn't it?! All in all 2015 has been a really good year for me; I've been to some awesome places, seen some incredible things and most importantly...been hooked on some bloody great tv shows. No, seriously, 2015 has been the year of the boxset binge for me!

Without taking myself too seriously and getting too sentimental I thought I'd share my best bits with you but the only difference is, well, this is me we're talking about so they're not your standard reminiscent anecdotes, nope, they're a bit strange - like me!

In 2015...I Fell Back In Love With Daniel Radcliffe
Cue Take That and Lulu because the fire is well and truly re-lit, my friends. I've always been a huge DanRad fan and anyone who knew me when i was fourteen can vouch for this. There's always been a place in my heart for DR and this year, with the release of The Gamechangers (I mean, my FAVE actor in a movie about my FAVE video game, I could've exploded), What If and Victor Frankenstein, I could just feel the feels coming back!

The great news is that in 2016 Daniel is starring in Now You See Me 2 which is the sequel to one of my all-time favourites movies so the chances of me copying and pasting this paragraph into next year's best bits are extremely likely...

In 2015...I Somehow Got Lucky And Attended Two Movie Premieres
One of my favourite things about 2015 has to be attending the London premieres of the two movies that completely made my year and despite the movies being bloody amazing the best thing was being able to take one of my best friends to each screening. I was lucky enough to get invited to the premiere of The Hunger Games: Mockingly Part II and Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (I do love a sequel, me) and I couldn't be more grateful that I had the chance to attend.

In 2015...I Explored The Big Apple & The City Of Lights For The First Time
I'm a girl of habit so for me, spending a lot of money on trips to new places always makes me think twice because what if i get there and I don't like it?! Luckily, this year I said 'screw it' and jetted off to New York City in January and then Paris in November and you know what, I'm so glad I did. Despite getting caught in the historic snow storm in NYC and then being in Paris for the terrible terror attacks I still fell head over heels in love with each city and can't wait to return to both to wander the streets and explore some more.

In 2015...I Finally Understood The Victoria Secret Hype
I love pizza and pizza loves me. That's why I'll never look like a VS model and also why in the past I've grumbled at the thought of watching stunningly beautiful women strut their stuff down a catwalk in underwear sets that cost more than i'll earn in a lifetime. BUT NOT THIS YEAR. This year, I finally got it. I sat down (after eating a burger and fries cos you know, I gotta do me still) and watched the VS Fashion Show in awe and even gained a big old girl crush on Gigi Hadid. I also feel hugely inspired in the new year to kick my butt into gear and start eating right and working out more so only good things came of my VS Fashion Show experience so that'll teach me won't it?

In 2015...I Turned Into An Old Lady
This year I've truly felt like I'm 24 going on 74 because I've hibernated 90% of the time and have absolutely no regrets at all. My favourite evenings are the ones spent in comfortable clothes with minimal makeup on and the company of my friends and family. Today for example, the last Saturday before Christmas I happily spent with my best friend in London watching Thomas Brodie-Sangster in a play before heading home, putting my new PJs on and curling up on the sofa beside the Christmas tree watching the Strictly final. PURE BLISS.

In 2015...My Blog Began
It feels like I've been posting here for much longer but I only started this blog earlier this year in April. I'm so, so glad I did because this blog gives me so much enjoyment and I hope you all enjoy reading and visiting just as much.

I hope your 2015 has been amazing and incredible and i want to hear all about the awesome things that you've been up to so leave me a comment below and let me know what your favourite thing about the last year has been for you!

FREEDOM MAKEUP PRO BLUSH & HIGHLIGHT PALETTE COLLECTION REVIEW

If you're not familiar with Freedom Makeup then let me give you the lowdown. From the same team behind Makeup Revolution, Freedom Makeup is a budget beauty brand currently exclusive to Superdrug stores. Personally, I much prefer the products and packaging in the Freedom Makeup collection over its' sister brand Makeup Revolution's but that's just me.

I've got quite a range of products from Freedom but this particular post is all about their Pro Blush and Highlight Powders because they're not only affordable and great quality but they're also so very pretty!

Now, like other budget beauty brands these lovelies come with their flaws, don't get me wrong; they're not as long lasting or wearing as a more expensive brand, however they are perfectly suitable for the days when you want to try out something new or you've run out of your favourite blush or bronzer and have a great backup handy.

The four palettes I purchased are 'Bronze and Baked', 'Pink & Baked', 'Peach & Baked' and 'Highlight & Baked' and each palette only set me back £6 each - bargain!

Each colour is highly pigmented, as you can see above there are plenty of shades included meaning it's super easy to switch from a bright, hot pink blush one day to a muted rose shade the next using only one palette. The highlight palette includes six creme to powder highlighters and two baked highlighters which again makes it really simple to go for a maxed out super sheen highlight and then switch it up to a soft, natural glow another day.

One thing I love about this brand is their packaging, the palettes remind me a little of the Makeup Forever range, super sleek and compact which is perfect for storing (boring, I know but these things are important and I'm all about the space-saving).

Have you tried anything from the Freedom Makeup collection? Would you like to see a review of more products? Let me know in the comments below!

10 REASONS WHY CHRISTMAS AS KIDS WAS SO GREAT

As soon as the decorations go up in this house I always get hit with a wave of nostalgia and *feels* because I'm still spending Christmas in my childhood home so there are familiar decorations and traditions all over the place. It also gets me thinking about all the reasons why Christmas was so incredibly awesome when you're a child and still believe in Father Christmas so I thought I'd share my favourites with you!

• You didn't have to contribute to putting any of the decorations up, the tree just suddenly appeared and the stockings were hanging over the fireplace and it was all so magical. Well, until you go to touch a bauble and your mum's spider sense tingles from another room and she tells you that you move or touch anything on the tree at your own peril. 

• It was so exciting to get the Argos catalogue out so you could narrow down your list to Santa but apparently November 1st was too soon to sit on the sofa folding down pages and circling toys that you wanted...


• Picking a multipack of Christmas cards for your entire class at school then making the really difficult decision of which card design to give to which person and finally posting them in the little red post-box left in reception area just in time for handing-out day.


• You were never picked as Mary in the Nativity play but it was okay because a) you made the best Angel Gabriel anyone's ever seen and b) the chosen Mary kept messing up her lines and crying into the cardboard manger.


• Nothing felt as good as waking up in the night for the 2453rd time to see it was finally 4:30am which meant in half an hour it was going to be reasonably acceptable to wake up your siblings and run into your parents bedroom for the stocking-opening ceremony.


• Receiving a 'Bang On The Door' set of smellies from a girl in your class that you'd spoken to once throughout the year and pretending you'd left theirs at home before your mum rushes out last minute to One Stop to get them a box of celebrations.


• The magic of coming downstairs in the morning to see Rudolph had taken a bite of the carrot and the brandy and mince pie had vanished and a note from Father Christmas thanking you, yes, you personally, for the treats.


• Being completely and utterly amazed by that one fish cracker present. You know the one, the little flimsy paper fish that can sum up your whole personality and entire life achievements depending on the way it curls in the palm of your hand. 'The tails curled up. I'm jealous? Do it again on the other hand.'


• When your parents did that thing where they pretend like you haven't got much or Father Christmas forgot to bring you the one thing you really wanted and then Nan and Grandad come round and bam there's the Cabbage Patch Kid doll that you circled in marker pen thirty times in the Argos catalogue.


• Finally, the best thing about being a kid at Christmas has to be that first peek around the living room door in the dark and seeing presents before practically screaming at your parents that 'HE'S BEEN! HE'S BEEN!!'

Can you relate to any of these? I would LOVE to hear your Christmas memories so feel free to share in the comments below and we can reminisce together.

SALON SCIENCE HAS THE ULTIMATE HAIRCARE RANGE FOR DAMAGED HAIR

I have been a long-term sufferer of over-processed, dry hair for quite some time (due to previous highlights, ombre and dye-jobs) so for years I've been on the hunt for an affordable product I can use without shelling out loads of cash on the expensive ranges always pushed by salons and hairdressers. 
So, you'll be more than happy to discover that after googling 'Gigi Hadid hair secrets' at the weekend, I discovered one of her stylists swears by the Salon Science ReCorrect Leave In Treatment, £15, for over-processed damaged hair, which lead to me rushing out to Boots at the weekend to grab a bottle. I also picked up the Shampoo and Conditioner in the same range while I was there because they're currently on offer at 3 for 2 so I couldn't say no to that.

After recently having highlights to blend away the ombre look I've had for the past year I was in need of a little TLC so after buying the Salon Science products I was more than excited to try them out. I washed my hair first with the Salon Science Retextuluxe Shampoo, £13 and Salon Science Retextuluxe Conditioner, £15 and found only a tiny amount of each is needed and instantly my hair felt clean and soft and the smell, which is grape, is so lovely!

I was most excited to try the leave-in treatment, as I think these are where you find the best results when it comes to hair care. The great thing about this treatment is the fact that it is a leave-in conditioner, you don't have to sit around with wet hair for 20 minutes while it works before getting back in the shower and washing it off and I love that. I used a small, chestnut-sized amount and worked it into my ends before using any leftover nearer my roots.

A lot of comments and reviews about this product are that it's too heavy or it's making people's hair feel too greasy. Personally, I didn't experience this at all when using the treatment and I can only imagine that perhaps if you do get that feeling then using a smaller amount and making sure it's worked fully into your ends only, steering clear of the roots, then you may notice a difference.

I then blow-dried and styled as normal, using my usual heat defence spray and my hair felt amazing afterwards, soft and silky despite the beatings it's taken recently from the highlights. The best thing about this treatment is that you can use it regularly and the bottle recommends at least twice a week so you may get through it a little quicker than some of those other intensive hair masks but the fact you're treating your hair to that luxury multiple times a week means you'll notice a difference much sooner.

PARIS

Before I left for the City of Lights with my best friend on the 12th November I had a clear image in my mind of how this blog post was going to be; lots of photos including the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame and Disneyland Paris with plenty of content proclaiming my love for the city of Paris.

Sadly, on Friday 13th November the city we were staying in fell victim to a vicious terror attack where over a hundred people lost their lives. Luckily, we'd spent the day at Disneyland Paris and as we left the park at around 8'o'clock we changed our minds about finding somewhere for dinner back in Paris and stayed in the park to eat instead. As soon as we were off the train and back in our hotel our phones went mad with text messages from friends and family back at home and at first we shrugged it off. We'd heard nothing and the trains were running as normal back from Disney. It wasn't until we were in our hotel room that we discovered the extent of what was happening, just ten minutes down the road from our little hotel.

In the run up to the tragic event that left us glued to the news in our hotel room for the rest of the night I'd fallen head over heels for a city I'd spent only 36 hours in and can't wait to return to as soon as possible. I documented our little explorations in a series of photos that I'd love to share with you all.

I hope you enjoyed these few snapshots of the city of Paris. My post about our day in Disneyland will be up soon! 

MAKE UP FOR EVER ULTRA HD FOUNDATION REVIEW

The Background

When you don't have a Sephora in your entire country it sort of means that when you do finally get a chance to hit one up it's comparable to how I felt when I was seven and unleashed into the many aisles of Toys R' Us.

So, during a recent trip to France I paid a visit to Paris' Sephora store and picked up something that I've wanted for about a year now; Make Up For Ever's Ultra HD Foundation. I have heard endless good things about this product and have been super excited to try it for myself.

My Experience

This foundation is an oil-free, long-lasting liquid foundation and there's a whopping 40 shades in the range which really helps to create that natural-finish as you're not forced to opt for a shade which can be one or two tones from your natural skin colour. 

As I suffer from quite dry skin I've found the consistency of this foundation perfect along with a setting powder and spray it stays put all day. I use a beauty blender to buff the liquid into my skin and it instantly settled in to create a satin-like finish. The coverage is probably a light to medium and I often use two layers to cover a few blemishes or the more red areas around my nose. 

I haven't suffered any breakouts since using this foundation and my skin is quite sensitive and spot prone so a foundation that doesn't feel like it's clogging up my pores is essential. 

My Recommendations

If you've given this foundtion a go and had a few problems then the one thing I'd suggest is trying it with a different primer as this foundation is primarily water-based. Silicone based primers will cause Ultra HD to break-up and appear patchy so when shopping for a primer check to make sure that's silicone minimal or free to make the most of your Ultra HD.

Comment below if you've tried this foundation and what your thoughts are, I'd love to know! Also, if you have any recommendations for great alternative foundations that you're loving then let me know as I'm always on the look out!

BOOKSHELF: THE CREEPIEST THRILLERS TO COSY UP WITH THIS WINTER

This time last time I would usually be curled up on the sofa or in bed reading a festive chick-lit novel and don't get me wrong, every now and again I do love a Christmas-themed read. However, for me, this year has been the year of the thriller novel and I've worked my way through some amazing, gripping stories throughout 2015, including You by Caroline Kepnes, The Never List by Koethi Zan and The Girl On The Train by Paula Hawkins.

So don your onesie or winter pjs, make a nice hot cup of tea and curl up on the sofa with one of these books that I guarantee you won't want to put down.

Little Black Lies by Sharon Bolton *
What's the worst thing your best friend could do to you? Admittedly, it wasn't murder. A moment's carelessness, a tragic accident - and two children are dead. Yours. This is the first line of the blurb and I know, it sounds intense but bear with, bear with. This book wasn't exactly what I expected, of course there is murder and death involved but it's not all entirely as sinister and evil as it first seems which I rather quite liked as it's a little different to your standard murder mystery.

Crazy Love You by Lisa Unger
Sometimes your best friend can be your worst enemy. Ian and Priss have been friends since they were children playing in the woods outside their small town. But Ian knows there's a darkness to Priss. Bad stuff seems to occur when she's around. Fires start. People die. Still, Priss is his best friend, and best friends are forever.
This is a weird one. Like Little Black Lies, Crazy Love You isn't everything it seems and I similar to You by Caroline Kepnes, this book is written from a male point of view which can be refreshing to read every now and again. This is pretty much a creepy-ass story of a girl who can't let go of her male best-friend Ian and that can make things a little itty bit difficult when said male friend meets a girl who makes him want to change for the better. Unfortunately for Ian, Priss doesn't like change. At all...

The Lie by C.L. Taylor
Jane Hughes has a loving partner, a job in an animal sanctuary and a tiny cottage in rural Wales. She's happier than she's ever been but her life is a lie. Jane Hughes does not really exist. Five years earlier Jane and her then best friends went on holiday but what should've been the trip of a lifetime rapidly descended into a nightmare that claimed the lives of two women. 

This book is gripping from the get-go which is amazing because we all know how much it sucks to hear great things about a book from other people but not be able to get past the first chapter yourself. You're instantly thrown into the story when 'Jane' receives a letter at work from someone who knows her name isn't Jane and it's in fact Emma. There's so much going on in this novel that I can't elaborate on the blurb any more without giving SO much away.

The theme and nature of this story is something that genuinely creeps me out a little which made for such a good read!

Disclaimer by Renee Knight *
Imagine coming across yourself in a novel, a novel that exposes your darkest secret. A secret you thought nobody knew. When an intriguing novel appears on Catherine's bedside table she curls up and begins to read. But as she turns the pages she is sickened to realise the story will reveal her darkest secret.

I'm only half-way through this one at the moment but really wanted to include it in this post because so far I love it. It's a little bit slow-moving but the general premise of the novel interested me so much that I'm going to persist because now we're getting to the juicy stuff and slowly beginning to discover who wrote the book about Catherine although we haven't uncovered the details of the dark secret she is trying so hard to conceal.

What are you reading this winter? Let me know in the comments below or tweet me over at @laurenfell

*These books were gifted to me by Transworld Publications.

MID-WEEK RETREAT IN CENTER PARCS ELVEDEN FOREST

Back in October I was lucky to spend five days at the beautiful Center Parcs Elveden Forest location with my family. We've visited Elveden a few times before now and each time I fall in love a little more with the outdoors and a little less with my phone and the internet while I'm there which can be incredibly refreshing and thought-provoking. Look at me getting all deep!

If you've never been to Center Parcs before then let me give you a little insight. There are now five locations set in the most gorgeous of forest around England and each are like their own little village with a town centre, huge indoor leisure pool and a small collection of shops and restaurants. The best thing about Center Parcs for me is the no-car rule. Everyone hires bikes to ride around on and you won't see a car on the road except for check in and check out days and there are plenty of paths and trails to ride on. The atmosphere is so relaxed that I rarely wear make-up or change out of sweatpants and a hoodie during the whole stay, I also indulged in some activities that I'd never normally get stuck into this year like archery and a lot of badminton each day.

We stayed in a stunning four-bedroom villa in the Ash area of the village which was set back in the forest with a private hot tub, sauna and steam room which we definitely made the most of. There's an abundance of wildlife to witness when you're staying in the forest and while we played pool in the games room each morning we had the odd visitor or two!

Have you visited Center Parcs in the UK or Europe? Let me know in the comments below what you love most about the villages.