As I write this post I'm not sure if I'm frustrated, downtrodden, disappointed, determined or what. I think I'm probably actually a concoction of all of those things because for the first time in quite a while I feel like I'm suffering from a 'bad patch' aka my anxiety is being a bugger at the moment and I'm having a little internal battle to stop it from taking back control.

This is the ultimate test for me really, my counselling journey came to an end a few months ago now and I've been on this ride all alone (without my counsellor to turn to I mean, my partner, friends and fam have been incredible) and I've been chugging along quite nicely up until now.

I have zero idea what triggered this anxiety attack. I actually think it might have been the amount of alcohol I consumed at a Halloween party, I don't drink very often now and although I was a nice kind of drunk I didn't consider the effects alchohol could have had on my mental health. I felt drained the next day and by the time I'd driven the 3 hours back down South I was physically and mentally exhausted. Little things were irritating me - a sure sign of anxiety for me - and I ended up devastatingly annoyed and upset at my boyfriend for starting to watch a movie without me whilst I was away that I wanted to watch together. I know. Tell me about it.

I felt really sensitive to comments and I took everything personally and to heart - something I'd not done for a while. The good thing was I now recognised those triggers and am currently doing my best to manage my feelings. I thought I'd share with you some things that are helping me right now.

Acknowledging How You Feel

This is important. My anxiety is hard to explain and hard to justify, I can rarely put my finger on exactly what triggered it so I just have to do my best to accept that and acknowledge that the brain works in mysterious ways (especially when it's tired and in my case from the weekend - hungover).

Don't try to argue or fight the way you feel. The sooner you accept it for what it is the sooner you can put your techniques and tools in place to move on through it so you can carry on with living and loving life!

Try To Rationalise

'Wow Lauren, try to rationalise when I have severe anxiety, good one!' Trust me, I knoooow. It's hard and it's especially hard when you're in the midst of the 'end of the world' according to your anxiety and making sense of anything and rationalising can seem impossible but it's 100% worth a good shot.

Ask yourself whether the thoughts you're having are based on fact or feeling. 9/10 these will be 'feelings'. If you were to ask me on a bad anxiety day you'd think I was Mystic Meg by the amount of made-up thoughts and feelings I'm 'sure' of. I'm actually not sure about any of them because they're all just my feelings, they're not facts.

Trust Yourself

For me, tackling my anxiety pretty much all boils down to the same thing; trusting myself. Trusting that I'm a good person, a good partner, strong, capable etc. I've been through some tough times and I handled them really, really well, so why am I so worried about possibly facing another tough time that hasn't actually happened and may never happen?! Who knows. 'Tis the nature of the beast I think and it has a good way of making you doubt yourself.

Don't Give Up Your Healthy Routine

This is a hard one for me. As soon as my anxiety hits I want to stay in bed all day, eat crap and watch Netflix. It's my happy place and it's comforting, that's fair enough but I also know it's not going to make me feel any better in a hurry.

Stick to your healthy diet, don't cancel that gym class, go to that bar with your friends if you can, in the long run it will help. I find that for me, the guilt of letting myself go just because I'm having a bad mental health day contributes to the way I'm feeling, it fuels the fire! I don't want to give it that power so even if I'm not 100% feeling it I will drag myself to that gym class - give me all that seratonin!


Look at anxiety for what it is, it's a mental health condition (if you will) which does a good job at trying to make us worry about every possible eventuality so it can 'prepare' us for potential trauma or threats. It's not a 'sixth sense' - something I have to tell myself constantly because I'm terrible at being convinced my anxiety is my 'gut feeling' so it must be right! It's not.

The best thing I can do for myself is repeatedly tell myself I've been here before, I might be here again but I made it through before and I'll make it through again. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for so just remember that the next time you're faced with a bad mental health day, week, month or even year. It will pass.

I Tried Aromatherapy To Help Me Chill The F Out

As someone that's suffered with anxiety for many years, chilling out isn't really something I've ever been good at. It hasn't really mattered what I've done whether it be yoga or meditation, my brain just won't shut the hell up for much longer than 20 seconds and I really struggle to completely relax or switch off.

I didn't quite realise just how bad I was at relaxing until I made an appointment for a lymphatic drainage massage and after half an hour of a fantastic massage my therapist Joanna at TruthPie told me that she could tell that I struggled to completely unwind. I almost felt caught out but she reassured me that she thought another therapy would suit me better; aromatherapy. I'm not going to lie, I didn't really have a clue what aromatherapy entailed but agreed to give a session ago.

So we started by picking oils that would a) be good for stress and anxiety and b) that I actually liked because Joanna said that it can differ from session to session and your body will react differently to different oils depending on what it needs at the time.

The three oils which appealed to me the most were Ylang Ylang (good for relaxation), Myrtle (great for fatigue) and Eucalyptus Staigeriana (which is really useful for easing any aches and pains). Joanna then used a mixture of these for the massage itself.

She spent an hour working these essential oils into my skin in a medium-pressure massage, she worked out some knots and tension in my upper back and shoulders before moving onto my legs individually, feet, arms, hands and then my neck. It was a really relaxing experience although I found my mind still buzzing every now and again but I tried really hard to clear my head and just relax to get the most of the massage.

Joanna gave me a mix of the oils to take home to add to my bath, so I'm really excited to give that a go and see if I feel as mellowed as I do right now as I write this blog post!

If you're thinking of trying aromatherapy then I would 100% recommend it as it's a therapy that's tailored to you, your mind and your body and what it needs. Don't forget that self-care needs to be your top priority and we need to nurture our minds and bodies alike.

Believing That Good Is Good Enough

I wrote a blog post not so long ago now about my counselling journey so far (it's here if you'd like to read it) and wanted to share one of my most recent experiences at a session regarding thinking my best isn't good enough.

This feeling stemmed from an experience last year which I'm still umming and aahing about writing about on here but to summarise; it wasn't pleasant, it certainly left me with less self-esteem than I had before and it really did make me question whether my 'good' was actually good enough. 

I've held onto this feeling since last September time and it's made a lot of things difficult for me; I've not wanted to plan anything, for anybody, ever again. I worry that if I do whatever I've planned won't live up to their expectations. It's also made me question if I'm a 'good enough' girlfriend or 'good enough' daughter. It's been a fun six months, not. 

I raised this with my therapist a few weeks back and within moments she had worked back through my life and helped me realise, in addition to the trigger from last year, what events in my childhood might relate to that feeling of always needing to be perfect where just 'okay' or 'mediocre' doesn't cut it for me. Everything has to be perfect; perfectly timed, perfectly placed; perfectly presented. Don't get me wrong, 9/10 it isn't but that's when I struggle. I struggle to accept anything besides the best and I really beat myself up over it sometimes and this was a part of me that I really wanted to alter.

Ultimately, I wanted to care less what people thought, I wanted to be totally content with knowing I did my best and that I can't control people's feelings or thoughts, you can't please all the people all of the time and I don't want to be my own worst enemy or critic, basically. 

The event last year has made overcoming this hurdle a little more difficult than it may have been otherwise, I could have easily said 'well, what's the worst that could happen if they think it's not good enough?' but for me, the worst thing that could have happened last year did happen so that's not really a reassuring question to ask myself right now. 

What is helping though is getting back on the horse so to speak. I was fearful of having to plan anything again after last year and I really didn't ever want to be in charge of someone else's enjoyment or happiness due to the pressure that came with it. This became tricky to avoid when my boss asked me to plan our next evening social event at work, I couldn't exactly say 'nah, don't fancy it, sorry'. I had to come through. I started to feel some of the same feelings that the event last year had given me and I worked really hard to overcome any anxiety or panic over whether my colleagues will enjoy what I'd organised or not. I started by accepting the fact that these people are my professional colleagues and they would be grateful for a nice meal and a pint in the pub after work so anything in addition to that would be great.

I ended up planning a murder mystery game which we all played over dinner at one of the pubs in town, everyone had a laugh and I received the kindest feedback from people including senior management after the event. That was my first step towards realising that my good is good enough, the more positive affirmations I have of that the more I will gain confidence in myself again.

When it comes down to it, the problem lies in the thought itself really; my best/good isn't good enough. Good enough for...who? Them? Whose standards/expecations am I working towards exactly? That's when I realised that all that mattered was whether my best/good was good enough for me. I had to accept that no, I can't please everybody but a lot of the time they will be pleased because I am learning not everyone's expecations of me are anywhere near as high as the expectations I place on myself so as long as I am happy with what I've done/created/achieved then to heck what other people think!