As I write this post I'm not sure if I'm frustrated, downtrodden, disappointed, determined or what. I think I'm probably actually a concoction of all of those things because for the first time in quite a while I feel like I'm suffering from a 'bad patch' aka my anxiety is being a bugger at the moment and I'm having a little internal battle to stop it from taking back control.

This is the ultimate test for me really, my counselling journey came to an end a few months ago now and I've been on this ride all alone (without my counsellor to turn to I mean, my partner, friends and fam have been incredible) and I've been chugging along quite nicely up until now.

I have zero idea what triggered this anxiety attack. I actually think it might have been the amount of alcohol I consumed at a Halloween party, I don't drink very often now and although I was a nice kind of drunk I didn't consider the effects alchohol could have had on my mental health. I felt drained the next day and by the time I'd driven the 3 hours back down South I was physically and mentally exhausted. Little things were irritating me - a sure sign of anxiety for me - and I ended up devastatingly annoyed and upset at my boyfriend for starting to watch a movie without me whilst I was away that I wanted to watch together. I know. Tell me about it.

I felt really sensitive to comments and I took everything personally and to heart - something I'd not done for a while. The good thing was I now recognised those triggers and am currently doing my best to manage my feelings. I thought I'd share with you some things that are helping me right now.

Acknowledging How You Feel

This is important. My anxiety is hard to explain and hard to justify, I can rarely put my finger on exactly what triggered it so I just have to do my best to accept that and acknowledge that the brain works in mysterious ways (especially when it's tired and in my case from the weekend - hungover).

Don't try to argue or fight the way you feel. The sooner you accept it for what it is the sooner you can put your techniques and tools in place to move on through it so you can carry on with living and loving life!

Try To Rationalise

'Wow Lauren, try to rationalise when I have severe anxiety, good one!' Trust me, I knoooow. It's hard and it's especially hard when you're in the midst of the 'end of the world' according to your anxiety and making sense of anything and rationalising can seem impossible but it's 100% worth a good shot.

Ask yourself whether the thoughts you're having are based on fact or feeling. 9/10 these will be 'feelings'. If you were to ask me on a bad anxiety day you'd think I was Mystic Meg by the amount of made-up thoughts and feelings I'm 'sure' of. I'm actually not sure about any of them because they're all just my feelings, they're not facts.

Trust Yourself

For me, tackling my anxiety pretty much all boils down to the same thing; trusting myself. Trusting that I'm a good person, a good partner, strong, capable etc. I've been through some tough times and I handled them really, really well, so why am I so worried about possibly facing another tough time that hasn't actually happened and may never happen?! Who knows. 'Tis the nature of the beast I think and it has a good way of making you doubt yourself.

Don't Give Up Your Healthy Routine

This is a hard one for me. As soon as my anxiety hits I want to stay in bed all day, eat crap and watch Netflix. It's my happy place and it's comforting, that's fair enough but I also know it's not going to make me feel any better in a hurry.

Stick to your healthy diet, don't cancel that gym class, go to that bar with your friends if you can, in the long run it will help. I find that for me, the guilt of letting myself go just because I'm having a bad mental health day contributes to the way I'm feeling, it fuels the fire! I don't want to give it that power so even if I'm not 100% feeling it I will drag myself to that gym class - give me all that seratonin!


Look at anxiety for what it is, it's a mental health condition (if you will) which does a good job at trying to make us worry about every possible eventuality so it can 'prepare' us for potential trauma or threats. It's not a 'sixth sense' - something I have to tell myself constantly because I'm terrible at being convinced my anxiety is my 'gut feeling' so it must be right! It's not.

The best thing I can do for myself is repeatedly tell myself I've been here before, I might be here again but I made it through before and I'll make it through again. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for so just remember that the next time you're faced with a bad mental health day, week, month or even year. It will pass.

My Counselling Journey So Far...

It's a strange one is counselling. It's a place where you go and completely spill the contents of your head to a complete stranger who you can only hope is not going to stare at you like you've got three eyes and a wooden leg by the time you're finished talking.

Good news, counselling isn't anything like that. Four days ago I completed my sixth session with my therapist and now I have a two week break as she's on holiday and I won't lie, I feel a little nervous but also really keen to see how I get on going it completely solo for a couple of weeks.

Counselling for me was a no-brainer after Christmas and New Year when I felt like my anxiety was controlling me and I wasn't controlling it anymore, so I decided to do something about it and found a lovely therapist jusy five minutes down the road who can see me after work.

The first thing I'll say about my journey is that it's a slow one. I've had years of 'managing' my anxiety myself without any professional  help and in that time I've probably developed a ton of unhealthy habits and routines that I continued to use for managing my mental illness so I always knew it was going to take a long time to unpick and unravel the knot that had formed in my mind - but we're getting there.

The first few sessions my therapist spent getting to know me, we spoke in particular about an event last year that I feel brought my anxiety back to the surface again. We spent three sessions on that event and worked our way through it piece by piece and as each week went by I felt a little lighter. By the time we'd worked our way through that issue we mutually agreed that we had spent enough time and energy on it and I finally felt as though I had closure to a situation that had caused me lot of pain and heartache for months.

The problem was that my anxiety didn't dissipate instantly following that closure, it's so deep-rooted that I can't switch it on or off as anyone with a mental illness will know. It's there and sometimes it's quiet and shuts up and let's me live my life and other times it doesn't.

Counselling has helped me to manage those difficult days. It provides me with a validation and reassurance that I so desperately needed and that only a professional can provide. It made me realise my thoughts and feelings are valid and even though they're not pleasant and I want to work towards banishing them as much as I can I felt as though someone finally got me.

Don't get me wrong, there have been the odd day where I've left counselling feeling exhausted because you know, trawling through the inner workings of your mind can be knackering but I've never left a session feeling heavier or more negatively than I did when I walked in.

The one mistake I made before when I had counselling a few years ago was giving up when I felt 'better' - even if I'm having a good day now I still take myself off to my session as there's always something to work through and to improve upon and I know that realistically I'll probably continue attending for quite a long time. Even if i reduce my sessions to once fortnightly or even once a month, it's 50 minutes where I'm grounded and can focus on myself.

Counselling is something we should all do for ourselves if we feel we need it - a lot of us spend so much time focusing on other people; on work, on kids etc but sometimes we need to physically allocate time in our diaries for ourselves and counselling is just that.

Things I'd Tell My Younger Self

I'm not one to dwell on the past but as I get older I experience certain things in life - mostly positive - that I wish I could reassure my younger self about if I had the chance, especially zits, boys and the ever-daunting 'life-plan'!

Don't try to remove your black hair dye with bleach. One of my favourite memories - because of it's hilariousness - starts when I'm 14-years-old. I was a huge Harry Potter fan and really, really wanted Emma Watson's light, golden-brown locks. Unfortunately, my hair was dyed black, super, super black. So, my best friend (who is still my best friend to this day despite the horror that ensues) bleached my entire head. Due to the fact she was also a fourteen-year-old girl with zero experience in hairdressing, she began at my roots, leaving me with white roots which then faded slowly into yellow and then orange. Not very Emma Watson at all.